So I've been sick since Thursday and I made some notes, poetic notes, on what a sinus infection meets strep throat meets diarrhea/flu does to the psyche.
Notes on mild sickness:
1.) Prayers amplify by like ten-fold when you have diarrhea.
2.) There's sometimes a weird obsession, when you're sick, with the color of your own mucus. Tracing the darkening of your mucus' color is kind of like how I imagine birds must feel when they see the sky abrew with storm. A foreboding sight. An ominous omen.
3a.) It is possible to wake up from the sound of your own groaning.
3b.) The moan of when you're sick is so far less awesome than a moan for any other reason (wink,wink). That's like trying to compare "Happy Gilmore" with any other Adam Sandler flick after '07.
4.) The bathtub can function as a spittoon if necessary.
5.) If you drink chocolate almond milk and then hack up mucus, it will freak you the f#@k out!
6.) Do not line the perimeter of your bed in Kleenex filled with snot if you don't want your roommate to get weirded out.
7.) Today was 75 degrees and I was walking the street in a third-day worn sweater, a zip-up hoodie (the trendy kind), and a long communist jacket, holding a Big Gulp, mind you, a peanut butter sandwich in hand, cursing about how my skin felt like ants were crawling underneath it. Several people looked up from their newspapers. Mothers clutched their babies. But I rambled on. A tornado of germ and error. You too must ramble on. A hurricane of snot and ragged.
8.a.) When you are sick or hung over, the public library is usually an okay place to hang out. Most people there are in the same condition as you. If not, they at least sympathize.
8.b.) The library has a copy of "Fern Gully." Fern Gully bitches. 7 days. Fo' free!
9.) When the nurse asks you your symptoms, you never fail to say, "diarrhea" in as soft a voice as possible.
10.) There are times in a doctor's office when all your despair and agony morphs into gratitude. There are people without limbs in this world.
11.) You will make eye-contact with an old woman in the waiting room. You will see your future self in her gray eyes.
12.) When doctors ask you to "breathe normal" it's suddenly a hard task. How the fuck do I breathe normal???!!!!!
13.) Hospital gowns are like over-sized lobster bibs but for barf instead of crustacean entrails.
14.) There are certain bathrooms in every house you just choose not to shit in when other people are over.
15.) Non-drowsy. If it doesn't say non-drowsy you're effed at work and then your manager will sound like a little barking chihuahua and you will just drool at her in defiance, stapling some papers together, those papers may be fingers though, your own fingers, but you're already sleeping so you don't care.
16.) Coughing is hard if you're worried it might make you shit your pants.
17.) Hit up all people who owe you money just to get your co-pay paid.
18.) Remember you are mortal.
Chrisxoxoxoxxxx
hahahaha #9, #16.
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